London Wayfarers Hockey Club, Battersea
Previously on Wayf of the week......
25 October 2005
Graham Squires
For our final ever Wayf of the Week, we have a very special Wayfarer, Graham "Squeaks" Squires, who sadly passed away earlier this year. His memorial day was held on October 16 and was a great opportunity for old and new Wayfarers to pay their respects
Graham Squires (Squeaky or Squeaks) was a long-time member of Wayfarers Hockey Club. He joined the club around 1992/93 from Lensbury Hockey Club. As you can imagine, it took some major incentives to prise Squeaky away from Lensbury Club. Rumour has it that coaching the Ladies 1st XI (‘seriously better looking than Lensbury’s Ladies, Squeaks’) was mentioned as was guided bus trips back to CJ after the Legless Ladder closed for the night. This would have been a big investment to have made in a complete unknown. However, in the best instances of ‘tapping-up’, Squeaks was known to a couple of Wayfarer’s through the Greys of Cambridge. Having seen his potential exhibited in a number of dubious clubs in Holland, Budapest and East Dereham (?), he was a must have signing. Of course, as many of you know, it was also ascertained that Squeak’s had a house close to the Clapham Grand and thus a coveted resource for post-Grand boozing.
He played for the 1st XI for about five years (the Golden Years!), cementing a great understanding with Chris Brewster (they both understood that neither of them could score from more than a yard). Later he played for the 2nd XI for a couple of seasons including their promotion year and then the 3rd XI including a very brief spell captaining the team.
His captaincy of Wayfarers 3rd XI was short-lived due to the recurrence of his cancer; however this marked the start of a new phase in his career at Wayfarers. While other long term members went into semi-retirement, Squeaky became more involved in helping the club, particularly with fitness training. Many a Tuesday evening Squeaks was out on his bike cajoling club members, male or female, to greater exhortions (although he only seemed to remember the names of the girlies). His cocktail parties were a treat that many a Wayfarer has enjoyed, even if they struggle to remember many of the details.
15 September 2005
Katy Aldrick (Ladies 4s)
It is difficult to know where to start with Katy. Ironic since she has so much to say for herself that she can never shut up! At the very least those who know Katy would have to agree that she is pure first class entertainment. You know when you are with Katy it will never be dull (or quiet!) These are a few of her team’s favourite Katyisms:
- Her tortuous attempts to imitate accents, and no matter whether she is trying to do an Australian, Scottish, South African, Welsh or Irish accent, she always ends up sounding like the guy from the local Indian Takeaway!
- Performing impromptu pole dancing routines using a lamp
- Impressive pirouettes on the hockey pitch when she misses the ball
- Flip flops and kikois are considered acceptable even in winter
- She considers trainers as “high heels”
- Her DETAILED accounts of her male victims. Some lucky male wayf enjoyed a bit of ‘no-tongues’ Katy action at the ball last year. As yet he remains un-named. Be afraid. She will find you!
- Breaking her wrist on her first day of snowboarding....but despite this deciding to take up ice skating and paragliding all with her wrist in a cast.
- Changing her clothes in the middle of the dancefloor much to the amazement (and encouragement) from onlooking male wayfarers
- Her cradlesnatching pursuit, capture and dispatching of her housemate
- Her monthly updates on her pulling conquests and targets she has set!
But most of all the best thing about Katy is that despite the fact that she thinks she is a negative and miserable cow, she always makes us see the bright side of any situation. Except her driving and sense of direction which are just downright frightening. But then again what do you expect, she is a Kenyan queen through and through!
15 July 2005
Katy Bolt (Ladies 3s)
Katy Doe (formerly Bolt) is a longstanding member of the club who has contributed greatly as a committee member, ladies 2s captain and a regular party goer. She recently got married to a follicly challenged Bobby called Rob and the celebrations resulted in an unprecedented number of Wayfarers making the daunting trip across the Severn Bridge.
The fact that Katy is so proud of her Welsh ancestry is evident in all aspects of her life, from her “Red Dragon’s” Dreamteam to the subjecting of everyone in her phonebook to “Happy David’s Day” texts every March.
Katy has recently taken a year off from teaching to undertake a Modern History Masters where her dissertation has focused on role the Women in the Police force – we all know where she’s been doing her research.
Her ‘worst hangover ever’ story tops most; it involved rushing out from her class of 30 kids to throw up in the stock cupboard. Her “stomach bug” was quickly reported to the head teacher who insisted on personally driving her home with a colleague following behind in Katy’s car.
Her republican tendencies are clear to be seen. During the Queen’s jubilee she refused to follow school protocol and teach about the history of the royal family, choosing to educate her class on the history of the Football World Cup, claiming it gave the kids a rounded knowledge of a variety of cultures.
Always a keen tourist she has made numerous appearances at Worthing, Bath and East Grinstead. During her last tour, the cricketers at East Grinstead were suitably entertained when Katy opted to ‘flash her assets’ over the balcony rather than take yet another aftershock. After an extended break, she is making a much anticipated return to touring this weekend……..Strollers beware…..
25 May 2005
Sarah "Swight" Wight (Ladies 1s)
A new addition to the Ladies 1s, Swight certainly is a bundle of energy. From the first week of the season she has been permanently installed at every Wayf social, pint of bitter in one hand, fag in the other and a wicked grin on her face.
Staunch footie fan, she has more Liverpool souvenirs than the Anfield shop, her collection being augmented at her recent 30th with a Reds toilet seat and tasteful beer jug. Her keeper shirt advertises Carlsberg and of course has No. 1 Swight on the back.
Her outdoor toy collection is legendary which makes her a favourite for providing entertainment at BBQs and random jaunts to the common. She just won’t sit still.
She certainly knows how to party - her recent 30th celebrations have extended across 3 weeks and 2 continents and involved her choosing to don various outfits and coming of age as a Wayfarer by consuming her first shoe.
As well as all this socialising, she is a top keeper and recently was crowned as Ladies 1s MOM of the Season:
And then there’s the girlie to stop,
Who’s also our social despot.
Her saves are sublime.
She’s MOM all the time.
Yet we still can’t get up to the top!
27 April 2005
Charlie Greaves (Ladies 2s)
Charlie was a very welcome new addition to the ladies’ 2s squad at the start of the season, but she really did take a few weeks to learn the ropes. In her first e-mail to the team, she asked what O&B stood for – she soon learnt what G&B stood for. Then there was the question “what is ‘next?’” – she learnt at her first Heavies Dinner. In her first outing to training of the season, she brought along her favourite pair of red shoes (no, we don’t know why?). She managed to ‘mislay one’ and has been looking for prince charming ever since.
Charlie is very popular with the team due to her willingness to take on our umpiring duties. In a drunken moment she actually admitted to enjoying umpiring, although we understand that certain Wayfs have been a little trying!
Her turn of phrase is unique to say the least– she calls her team mates ‘chicas’ and replies to all instructions with ‘Roger That’…….
After a season of tough training, we think we have her educated – she’s now fully familiar with the lingo, loves G&B and has had her fair share of TFCs…….we’re just waiting for her to spill her first beer so we can return her red shoe………
15 April 2005
Rob "Blooms" Bloomer (Men's 1s)
It is with great sadness that we must announce to all the female members of the club that Mr Robert Bloomer is now engaged to be married. The once ferocious pursuer of ‘skirt’ has been called from the pitch for a long overdue shower.
Despite that dirty grin and the trademark snide comments, he has always provided invaluable support, in a strictly coaching capacity, to the Ladies 2’s. Even now that the full time whistle has been blown on his own game, Rob can often be found taking younger members of the club aside to impart upon them his invaluable advice.
If we think back to when a fresh faced Rob first came to the club from Hampstead and Westminster with his shell suit and 1980's leather East Grinstead hockey bag, who would have foreseen that the same kit would still be used today! Perhaps that explains why he made such a convincing scouser . In fact his penchant for dressing up is legendary – he is equally at home as a smurf, laydee, or a maid
It is always the case that Rob stands by his arguments. Who can forget the clash with a fellow club member in Yeovil over drinking fines and the numerous umpires of recent 1’s (and Ladies 2’s) games who have found he is still as passionate about the game as ever.
We must now look across the Irish sea for the next round of Rob’s life and to married life with Sara. Wishing them all the happiness together and the Dublin hockey scene much pity.
15 March 2005
Matt "BCBB" Dean (Men's 2s and Club Chairman)
All girls who embark on the great “Grower versus Shower” debate should pray that, in the interests of their own personal safety, with Matt Dean what you see is what you get. As Wayfarers folklore suggests, if the ladies really want to make their eyes water, chopping onions is preferable to a night with the Chairman.
Actually, he would never have been selected for the Wayfarers 1st team had the legendary Tony McQuaid remained at the club, and his goalkeeping career would surely have ended by now had it not been for the additional blocking ability of the “twelfth man” he smuggles onto the pitch. He enjoys a hate-hate relationship with umpires and for the last 8 years has won the coveted “Smelliest Goalkeeping Kit Award” beating off some stiff competition from Goan.
Once in charge of a nuclear submarine, he was mentioned in dispatches for vomiting at the feet of the French Prime Minister while on parade and just escaped court-martialling for bonking the commanding officer’s daughter, in the commanding officer’s marital bed. Although he is getting on a bit now, he keeps himself young by taking pictures of ladies breasts and reminding us about the 5 sisters in Houston who joined him in a hotub, apparently having given their protective brother, a Mr P. Palmer, the slip.
Socially of course, he is one level below inept and confirms this with some appalling fashion decisions – a mixture of Noel Edmonds’ knitwear and Prince Naseem Hamed’s underwear. Club Chairmanship remains his only link to the outside world from his bedsit above a kebab house in Brixton.
All of which is a bit of a shame really because his parents are lovely and, of course, have no idea about his nickname: Big C@ck Bully Boy. Doh.
15 February 2005
Robin Brown (Men's 6s)
The only gay in the team
Rather than follow the ups and downs of Robin's time as a Wayfarer, we've chosen to focus on one week, and one week only. Since he first wore the now infamous pink top to training, twice, momentum has been slowly building towards a Wayf of the Week appearance.
Following a small ball, hand, stick incident on Saturday, Robin retired hurt to umpire the second half. You would think a hockey ball smacking into your finger would elicit some sympathy from your teammates. Normally it would, unless you combine it with beer, the sore finger, the pink top and the TFC voting.
Even though Chris "Puff Pastry" Harris took the prized G+B, close second was Robin. He dealt well with the good-natured ribbing, but was roundly condemned as "the only gay in the team". And that would have been the end of it, until he asked someone to kiss his finger better.....
Between the tears of laughter, recollections are spotty, but there were choice comments such as "want to see something swollen and purple?" something about a "floating bone" and most of the other ones are unprintable! But to cap it all off, what was printed across the front of his fleece?
"Think Pink"......
15 January 2005
Denise Janney (Ladies 2s)
Denise is our feisty red-head with some large assets which are often on display, much to the delight of a certain gentleman from Surbiton. The said boyfriend is liked by her teammates, but will only be fully accepted when he stops coaching our opposition.
Versatile on the pitch, Denise has been known to go from Sweeper to Centre Forward in a single game with a stint a left and right wing on the way. Her years of ball experience make her invaluable as Team Mum in educating those less wise and stand her in good stead in her role as Ladies Club Captain.
Her practical side has proven very useful to the Ladies 2s. As a qualified sports masseuse, she can be called upon to sooth our aching limbs, although in her single days she seemed to prefer to use her skills on the men’s teams. She has also recently shown herself as a seamstress creating 11 robin outfits out of scraps of material and some yellow cardboard. Blue Peter eat your heart out.
She has recently joined the club of ‘ladies who lunch’ and is now wondering how she ever had time to go to work.
19th December 2004
Julie Shipston (Ladies 3s)
Julie has held every club position going from 3’s captain to social secretary with some kit thrown in for good measure. Never afraid to voice an opinion, particularly in committee meetings, we have seen grown men regularly quake in their astros when Miss Shipston has something to say.
Throughout her time at Wayfarers Julie has been an enormous support to the club and it’s core philosophy, play hard, party harder. Always the first on the tables at the original Legless Ladder and never shy of the boys, she will still now be seen leading the charge to either the Settle or the Prince Albert, encouraging inter-team “mingling”!
Apart from hockey, Julie’s other (bigger) passion is rugby, what she sees in those cauliflower eared rugger buggers over the scabby knees of hockey boys we’ll never know… Maybe this is part of the reason for her move north to Kettering in the New Year, getting that little bit closer to her beloved Leicester Tigers…?
Currently a star performer for the ladies 3’s, she has played a key part in their position at top of the league this season and will be badly missed in the defence.
One of the club’s most devoted members we shall be sorry to see her go, if you cut Julie Shipston in half, she would have LWHC running through like a piece of Blackpool rock!
5th December 2004
Russ Shearing (Men's 6s)
Russ 'The Love-Muscle'(tm) Shearing is a new addition to Wayfarers this season, but his single-minded determination to promote relations between the mens and ladies sides of the club is already giving him something of a reputation! Sadly, it is doing nothing for his memory, "putting a face to a blurred memory of curly-ish hair and a tongue would be handy". Not one to let up on partying even during the week "School nights have never slowed me down from getting hammered and attempting to mount anything with two legs" was his recent refrain! With his cheeky effortless Aussie charm and chat-up lines ("Got any Australian in you? Want some?") he cut a dashing figure at the recent ladies 5's and mens 6's team dinner, plying willing females with multiple shots, and it was not long until had captured the keys to a young lady's heart...well two sets actually, and he's still looking for the owners!
25th November 2004
Tom Crossley, Crozza, The Egg (Men's U2s)
Tom Crossley has no shoulders. Of course it’s not his fault because, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t beat genetics. Take a look at Matt Dean. Or Hunter, that muscle bound Adonis and former Gladiator and, hang on, brother of Tom Crossley. Weird. Perhaps The Egg turned up late against Team DNA and found himself 5-0 down at half time with no way back? Maybe his lack of fitness was exposed as his opponents strung some clever stuff together, as only Team DNA can do? If only he’d turned up to mid-week training! But he hadn’t, and now, not only was his torso scapula-free, but his legs looked like a pair of John Wayne’s hand-me-downs.
Crozza compliments his ovoid deformities with unique stickwork, akin to knitting, and is an O & Bs’ goal-scoring legend. He scored the winner to secure promotion in the ‘97/’98 season, during which he also brought enthusiastic, if rather high pitched support to the touchlines. Deadly from 2 inches, this master of the short-range prod has more recently transferred his skills from pitch to bedroom and doubled his fan base.
With a passion for fashion, Tom’s attempt to introduce a “lycra shorts only” policy in a hail storm at Andover never really caught on, but he continues to insist that verruca socks are acceptable footwear. General opinion is that they look a bit gay, but suit him nonetheless.
Say what you like about The Egg, and most people do, you can’t argue with a man who knows full international rules for Zoom, Schwartz & Pfigliano and once turned a red-blooded heterosexual girl into a raving clam-jouster overnight.
Allez L’Oeuf!
18th November 2004
Chris Harris (Men's 6s)
The fastest man in Wayfarers, Chris has been known to be the first out to the striker on defensive short corners, arriving from the halfway line before the defenders have left the goalmouth. His blinding runs are legendary, although it’s hit and miss whether the ball travels with him on such jaunts.
Nicknamed ‘Clueless’ by his captain, he has to be the most disorganised man in history, with a habit of volunteering for duties with all good intentions and never quite getting round to doing them…….what did happen to those match reports?
Self-confessed geek, Chris has the strange affliction of actually enjoying work. Left to his own devices, he will indulge in prolonged stretches in a darkened room with his PC or his X-Box, surfacing only for the odd short break to run up a couple of mountains or lift some big weights.
Oh, and he’s quite good at making websites and has fantastic taste in women!
9th November 2004
Alex "Lawts" Lawton (Men's 2s vice and Club Captain)
His trademark gravelly voice may be put down to his strict diet of alcohol, namely red aftershock and snakebite (not always separately). It has been falsely reported that he eats as well as drinks. Lawts' body runs on alcohol, the occasional packet of crisps and meal once a week. It did look for a while like his liaison with a certain, slightly fitter, ladies 1s player would lead to him succumbing to a more balanced diet….but meat and two veg are reportedly not his thing…..
Some may say that Lawts has megalomaniacal tendencies, given his recent attempt to take over 3 committee posts at the same time…….and then there was the attempt at dominance of the Dream Team by single-handedly submitting more teams than he’s had hot dinners (well, 3). However, with his top team languishing in 71st position he is now relying on a certain Mary Hinge to take him to the dizzy heights.
Lawts is always seen at many of the drinking games of the club, if he isn't starting them, he is heavily involved. Just don't ask to see his party trick! Lawts also suffers the infliction of a limited range of vocabulary. His language generally consists of the following: "show me"; "3-2-1 where's the peg"; "aftershock" (as per Homer Simpson recalling his latest Duff beer); "it's aftershock o'clock" (usually before 6pm, has been as early as 4pm); "shoe"; "I just need to go and throw up"; "food........?"; "I'll just buy it"; "anyone for Canterbury........."; If you don't believe us, just listen to him in the pub next time!
2nd November 2004
George Dunn (Ladies 2s captain)
Label queen, George is rarely seen without one of her mates, Georgio, Christian or Valentino. Her fan club spreads far and wide and she has single-handedly doubled the membership of the Men’s 6s.
She has been accused of being too posh for fancy dress after turning up to last year’s Christmas do with her snowman in her handbag…….a sign of things to come perhaps? The rest of the team were secretly pleased that they didn’t have to be photographed in belt-like skirts next to the most fantastic legs south of Sweden.
When she recently took charge of the Ladies 2s, we were expecting team manicures, teas in local wine bars and a fully enforced fancy dress ban. But we are alarmed to inform that GEORGE HAS CHANGED! As shown above, she was recently seen in fancy dress and was spotted last week drinking BEER – whatever next?!25th October 2004
Sarah-Jayne Bowen - Little Miss 50 pence (Ladies 5s)
A self-proclaimed “inferno” in bed- so don’t you let her butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth façade fool you.
With youth on her side, many a man has been kept at bay for fear of having charges pressed against them for dalliancing with an underage girl. Good news boys - she is legal! (just!)
So why does SJ deserve wayf of the week? Simple really, she is potentially the most talented and accomplished lady (though we use that word in the loosest way!) in the club. The details are thin, but suffice to say 50 p was all it cost for a BJ* with no hands during her uni days in Nottingham. “I used to do as many as 4 or 5 in one night. It was great value for money,” commented Miss Bowen.
If SJ is as talented off the pitch as she is on, then her boyfriend is one lucky lucky man!
Proud to have you as one of us SJ!
*To avoid any confusion and not to purposefully mislead anyone, BJ is of course a reference to that popular Baileys based shooter.
18th October 2004
Rachael Thompson (Ladies 1s)
She arrives at the game just a little bit late
With all kinds of trials and tribulations to relate
There’ll be shin pads and hand guards and gum shields all around
But they may not be found in the bag on the ground
And onto the pitch with a with a twiddle and a twist
Re tackle, re tackle, re tackle that player, god am I pissed!!
With bright eyes and hair slides and lip gloss a plenty
Boys there’ll be big a Q perhaps even twenty!!
The pout will be perfect all puckered and ready
For the willing and able!! Just hold yourselves steady!!
11th October 2004
Esther Lawson (Ladies 2s)
The first ever winner of the Will James "Headless Chicken" award, Esther’s dippiness is unrivalled. Teammates fall down in shock if she ever makes it to the right place at the right time. She’s commonly seen hurling abuse in French down the phone or hurling G&Bs down her neck. In fact she holds the women’s world record for fastest pint of G&B of 4.2 seconds – anyone for a boatrace boys?
She claims she’s actually very organised normally – but would you let this baby barrister represent you in court? Those barrister skills have shown themselves on nights out, though – once Esther has spent all her hard earned cash and needs another beer and a ride home. Free entry into Calvados: no problem, several free rounds at the bar for her and her mates: no problem, free ride home in a taxi – usually a little more tricky – this is usually accomplished by Esther arguing the toss all the way home with the driver, until one of her team mates is so embarrassed that she foots the bill……..well she did get us all those free drinks earlier!
She recently volunteered to organise a dinner for the ladies 2s – anyone know anything about it???
4th October 2004
Ed 'The Gut' Watson (Mens 1s)
Yes, it is with great sadness we say goodbye to Ed. Before joining Wayfarers he was occasionally compared to an finely tuned athlete, but after his time with the mighty O&B and the Settle he developed his infamous Gut, something of which he is quite proud.
Ed will leave with many fond memories of his time with the O&B's. The times of success on the hockey field will be among them. Though he won't wish to remember his first game captaining the 1st XI. This was during last season, the infamous season where the 1st XI lost 8 players from the previous season. After just missing out on promotion the year before we were bursting with confidence but were soon brought down to earth.
Another fond memory which will remain fixed in his mind was an away cup fixture at Norwich. I think he has just finished counselling as on the way home a couple of players attempted to make Ed angry.. He denies to this day it worked but we aren't convinced. On the same trip he also learnt how to address ladies serving in off licences in the correct fashion and got a little bit more then he bargained for!
Ed is leaving us to go travelling.. or so he tells us. Normally when people mentioning travelling they leave and go to many different countries. But not Ed, he is following his heart (or maybe another organ) to the USA where we his going to see his girlfriend, who said romance was dead! This means that he now has a web cam for sale (though I wouldn't recommend purchasing this).
Ed - we wish you the best of luck and welcome a hockey tour to there when you settle!!
27th September 2004
Will Allport (Mens 3s)
Fondly known as Jawsy, this former Durham boy certainly knows how to eat. In fact, whilst at Uni he knew the price of every pie from every pie shop in Durham and once received only 30p change from a tenner at a kebab shop due to the volume of food he had bought.
Accused by his teammates of talking a lot of sh*te (e.g. Jawsy: "Horse meat is actually really nice", Other person: "How do you know? Have you ever tried it?" Jawsy: "No."), he introduced himself at his inaugural hockey meeting at Durham as The Willster.
When he recently went back to Durham for returners and played hockey it looked like a father's and son's games (and that's not even starting on the grey hair!!!). Despite this he apparently believes he is the fittest in the Men's 3s???!!!! - a slightly odd statement from "Sicknote" himself.
20th September 2004
Claire Ruston (Ladies 5s)
A founding member of the Ladies 5’s, Miss Ruston previously held the position of 3’s captain and certainly knows a bit about playing social hockey. Renowned for her acerbic wit and no nonsense approach she has the ability to keep even the most demanding folk in check.
She plays hard and drives even faster and is fondly known as Schumacher amongst her friends, an equally accomplished boozer, she can often be found leading the charge along the Northcote Road and up to her particular favourite dancing den, the salubrious Calvados…
Always popular with the boys, but a little too choosy some might say.......... some of you boys perhaps have even been subject to the infamous Kebab shop test - strip lighting can be so cruel!
13th September 2004
Claire Smith - Clarence (Ladies 1s Captain)
Fondly known as Clarence, this tour veteran keeps the dates of important England sporting events in her phone and a pack of orange 3-man dice in her handbag. She’s a great impersonator, just ask her to do her Jimmy Saville or her Jim Bowen.
Clarence certainly likes to drink on school nights and seems to find the spot under her desk a comfy place to kip after a few too many. She’s been known to cunningly swap clothes with her work colleagues in an attempt to not be rumbled.
She can be a little clumsy after few too many and has been known to drink not one, but 2 shoes in a night…...and then ask what they were for?
6th September 2004
Jane Howard (Ladies 2s)
Jane first burst onto the Wayfarers scene about 4 years ago with her sister, Sarah who plays for the 3s. She rapidly established herself as a great forward and more importantly one of the top socialites and fashion advisor for the ladies 2s.
Always pitching up for her games in immaculate condition ( well nearly always hangovers permitting), it has been rumoured that Jane has a different evening dress for every week of the year, and her shoe collection is close to beating Imelda Marcos!
Jane is always up for anything. She is one of the team’s top G & B drinkers and can down a pint in under 2 minutes (Esther being the current 2s champion). It was recently uncovered that there is a secret fan club going for Jane and her sister at the P&P on Northcote Road, (their local). They are known as the Olsen Twins. Now you all know where to track them down!
Last Updated: 10:30 AM Monday, 5 December 2005
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